'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store, (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


~Author Unknown

KIDS
IN CHURCH
3-year-old
Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you
can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I
am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
the christening of his baby brother in
church,
Jason
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was
wrong.
Finally, the boy
replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with
you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us
our trash baskets
as we
forgive those who put trash in our
baskets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
Sunday school teacher asked her children as
they
were on
the way to church service,
'And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little
girl replied,
'Because people are
sleeping.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5,
and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would
get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother
have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan ,
you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
father was at the beach with his
children
when the
four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand,
and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead
in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the
son asked.
'He died and went
to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a
moment and then said,
'Did God throw him
back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table,
she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I
wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife
answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people
to dinner?'

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd
like to come back as a bear. When you're a
bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children
(who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping
and wake to practically grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.

If you're mama bear, eveyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get
out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

Great Roadtrip Idea!

I am dying to do this! Can you imagine how fun it would be driving down the freeway at about 90 mph with these balloons behind you?

Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car

Step 2. Drive like a bat out of heck....

Step 3. Watch people freak out!

Made Me Laugh

I am a Westerner. Rules of Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on th e menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

You think English is easy?

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indixes? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship, have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill-in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?

I was almost a felon!!!

This morning I lived through my own episode of Law and Order; it is more fun watching it than living it. I went to Days grocery store to get some things and as I pulled out of the parking lot I was pulled over by a policeman with his lights going! Then 2 more pulled up behind me. They asked me for my license and checked it. I said, "I wasn't even speeding" and they said "I know, we will tell you why we pulled you over in a minute." Then they told me to get out of my car and read me my rights! Seriously, read me my rights!! It seems some woman had tried to pick up a Rx fraudulantly and they said that she had blonde hair and was pulling out of the parking lot in a white Suburban right now. Anyway, they asked if I was willing to go back to the pharmacy and see if they could ID me. I told them I would and of course they said it wasn't me. Anyway, I think I prefer watching my dramas on TV. Scary stuff, I am still shaking!!!!